It’s been a while since I’ve written and published anything because I have found myself in a state of confusion. Not that I do not know what I want to do next but that I have made a commitment and at first glance, felt great joy to switch gears to now feeling overwhelmed and out of place…
After I realized that the children and I were not moving to California just yet, I can say that I was sad but not disappointed because I know that God would not give me the desire to move there and then change His mind. Of course, after I sat and meditated on things and traced my steps backward, it was I that set the date for the move, not God…and I set that date out of fear. To move in fear has been the biggest mistake that I have often seen myself do when tracing my step back throughout my life, and to see it again, after I thought that I had enough wisdom to not do it this time around, has me wondering about things. I am so happy that no big changes were permanently made or that my children and I were caught up in a daunting lifestyle of extreme poverty and homelessness, still, I feel sadness.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a big relief to get an understanding that I won’t have to “hustle” my way to success, that God already has the path laid out. All I need to do is humble myself, continue practicing on my sewing and writing, use the opportunities right in front of me, WITHIN MY HOME to help me become strategically grounded in my gifts and talents, and be still long enough to receive insight on the best connects and business deals. There is no longer a struggle to decide if another family Saturday Spa day has to be skipped to get caught up on sewing or writing or a video upload. My babies come first and because I know my Heavenly Father has everything set, I don’t have to worry or strain. It feels so weird to lose the grip on pursuing my career that I had envisioned!
I saw myself as a successful, independent mother of four, traveling the world, homeschooling my children, doing book signings, making house calls to design a couture gown or style a wardrobe for my private clients, all the while finally running into the man that I would soon marry. I saw myself put together, my children well off, and my soon to be husband watching from a distance see me hustling and being amazed at the fact that I can handle my own…I saw myself as my own hero, not a 32 years old, stay-at-home mom, dressed mostly in sweats and tights and hair in a bun or tied up afro. I’ve learned that half the things I had envisioned were rooted in fear and developed and produced tragedy. When I was a teen, I told myself that I would party in my 20’s and have fun in school, get married in my 30’s while finally settling into my career, then began to have children. I saw myself working my clothing business from home, with 12 boys on an Alabama farm and my husband,(whose name was Bobby Ray and white…hehehehe) would work his business from home as well and take occasional business trips, giving us time to miss each other…yes I do have a very vivid imagination!
Well, I partied in my late teens all the way into my 20’s and ended up having three children while struggling to decide if the abusive relationships were worth the pain over the fear of being alone and not having anyone to help raise my children or support me in my dreams. Of course I conditioned myself to be tough and be willing to take on any challenge, but when I looked over at my babies and saw that they had not even begun to experience their lives, I had no choice but to face fears of loneliness, shame, guilt, and humble myself before my God and my parents so that my babies could have a chance to live in peace and joy. Yet, I was determined to defy odds and say that I can become a successful single mom of four, get off government assistance by working from the ground up. I know how to market, how to network, how to do business, still something in me didn’t feel right with every chance I took for my business. The late hours, the early mornings, the constant strain of trying to find a way to make things happen and make money, just didn’t feel right and I felt out of place when I would come across a business guru and tried to follow their advice.
I have finally surrendered the pressure of competing against the world and finding myself trying to adjust to the new lifestyle of lego building, Mario Kart, reading four and five books, and sometimes spending half the day washing and cleaning and cooking and walking back and forth and on special occasions…running to see who has called mummy for the 15th time,lol.
I love this new adventure, yet I am feeling sad because I have been conditioned to think that because I am a single mom, I need to be working a regular job, I need to be actively trying to find a husband or my children will grow up damaged, mentally ill! To be honest, fighting my mind, my emotions, my imaginations is by far the toughest challenge thus far. There are days when I want to tap out and complain, go hide in my closet and cry, update my resume, until one of my babies comes and needs the help that involves me using my creative gifts and/or talents. I look around and I see that all our needs are met and sometimes our wants are gifted in opportunities…in acts of faith.
I am learning that this experience I am having, is supposed to happen. I am supposed to feel some sadness, feel some bewilderment, feel some type of way because I am a human “being”. Not every day comes with happiness but a range of emotions and thoughts and if you are able to see beyond those emotions and thoughts that are not pleasing up front, and have an understanding that we as humans are supposed to feel sad, mad, angry, depressed, lonely at times and not happy ALL the time…you will begin to cultivate true joy and peace.
I end this note with prayers and blessing that you dear reader have found joy and peace in reading this.