Dream Don’t Wake Me!

Just woke up from a dream that I had about a crush. Such a bitter sweet dream it was. He has chosen another and I tried to win him over by wearing his red pullover sweatshirt but he took it away from me.It was such a sad defeat because she wore one of his white logo shirts and he was happy, and they danced around and laughed carelessly as they moved further away from me.

I could see that he was still trying to cope and I knew that I could love him the way he needed to be loved, but it was her beautiful glow he desired. He wanted someone that he could have fun with, not be bogged down with. He couldn’t see how we could ever go on adventures with me having children to take care of.

I respected his choice but I still wanted one last moment to sit and talk with him, to hear his conversation but he refused. His new beau, who he had just met chose to come talk with me instead.

Right as we began to talk, spiders came out of no where, he was obviously to them, but me and his new beau where trying our best to fight them off. It’s as if we were being trapped in a web of lies. I managed to kill off one, and he allowed the two spiders right in front of him get away…that’s when I woke up.

Part of me wants to go back to sleep and finish the dream, but I must let him be…

I thank my Heavenly Father that we have never met…because walking away and letting him be won’t hurt as bad.

Advertisements

“I Am Who I Am…Can You See Me?!”

Today I had the courage to watch another one of my YouTube uploads and I was smiling the entire time and loved watching myself be happy. A lot of great things are happening in my life, but I am so scared because I do not know how to embrace it…it feels so weird! I love my natural glow in this video and I am very proud of myself for this one! Lesson to be learned…”how can you expect others to watch and listen to you when you are to afraid to watch and listen to you?!” (Deep breath), you got this Kendra!

Vlogging my journey to physically show that one person out there striving for their own piece of success, that it doesn’t take a lot of resources, just blood, sweat, and tears!

Cowgirls Cry Too

The fact that I am referring to myself as a cowgirl is a bitter sweet homage to my hometown. Those that know me, know that I have dreamed, fantasized, and attempted to leave Tennessee in search of a different environment that embraced the eclectic nature in me. So, to tip my hat to my southern roots feels too much like a defeat, yet I know that my journey has just begun and my Heavenly Father is not done with me! I know for a fact that my God just doesn’t give us desires only to crush them under the heavy foot of unfulfillment. He’s working on something and wants me to be still…because He knows I will jump head first,lol.

Last week I found myself repeatedly riding an emotional roller-coaster and in a state of confusion trying to figure out the right balance of motherhood and entrepreneurship. I try my best to live in excellence and be humble and respectful towards my children with the understanding that they are gifts from God to cherish and nurture the gifts within them, not my minions to order and demand around and raise with fear. No parent should raise their child with fear because they will compromise and do stuff behind your back rather than having an understanding of not doing something out of respect that it may hurt your feelings and tarnish their integrity. And for the record…this is so much harder to teach a child when I myself have been conditioned to parent that way. So, here I am slowly creeping around the first turn of the coaster of throwing out a traditional pattern of parenting and all seems cool because now I get to parent the way I felt I should have been raised! Funny how some of us think that we could have been raised better and try it out on our kids and end up “swinging the pendulum all the way to the other end!” Yeah, that was a quick crash and burn! Lol, lesson learned!

Everything seemed great at first! With me getting another opportunity to show my clothing line to the public, me raising the kids in a new holistic way of life, and the promise of the fashion opportunity buying us a ticket to Lyon, France…yeah, once I got the email to show my line at this year’s Chattanooga Fashion Week my mind envisioned the children and I beyond the states. California is a dream, but Lyon,France was THE opportunity out of poverty, THE fantasy I have always dreamed of with raising my children abroad and homeschooling. The coaster steady rising because the collection ideas came instantly with some designs already half way done and the storyline so unique and reflecting of haute couture and again the promise of ME getting the children and I out of poverty.

For those of you who ride coasters, know that once you hear the slow clicking sound, a drop is soon to follow and your stomach haphazardly climbing it’s way out of your mouth! A bit drastic elaboration of a point I am trying to make but that’s exactly how I felt last week when all hell broke loose in the house. Kids getting injured, no time to sew because I’m trying to make sure I am attentive to the kids, putting family before career, not following through on punishments because I don’t want to raise them too harsh, me crying because with every second not put into sewing, is a second deposited into the already heavy burden that I created and plopped down on my parents and my children!

I went up and down for about three or four days before I regurgitated my feelings on Twitter. Now, it wasn’t that bad of a post, I didn’t give off much detail but it was horrible to run to social media rather than to my closet to pray for strength, guidance, and understanding of how to integrate my life and work. My Heavenly Father gave me these gifts, these desires, so it would have been great to just ask Him for help! But to ask for help would make me less southern! I mean, come on! We southern cowgirls aren’t afraid to get our hands dirty, put in the work, handle our own, all the while lookin pretty while doing it,(wink with a slight grin).

I had this idea when I was about 16 or 17 that I would work from home doing fashion design, settle into my career by the age 30 in Alabama, get married, and then start having kids…12 was the number and all boys and my husband, Bobby Rae who was this red neck (please excuse the term) that was a farmer, but had a hobby of fixing up classic cars, would help me to raise the boys on our farm! And yes his name was Bobby Rae because I liked how country it sounded,lol. And yes I dreamed that he would have a wicked, deep, southern accent, and personality,lol. Well, when Kynzly got here, I reduced the number to 7 and realized that no man was willing to truly love me and marry me unless I showed him that my children and I were not a burden, but that I was a woman he could count on. That plan has failed miserably!

At this point, I have no clue as to what our future holds and I am forced to live in the present, live out what is right in front of me. I admit, that I am weak, and very sad because showing how tough I am has always been my guide and now I have to abandon that mechanism, surrender, and release everything I once knew to be true. The only thing that keeps me hopeful is knowing that my Heavenly Father is still with me and is working everything out. He has a husband for me that is gentle, and kind and appreciates my love and the softer side of me and will not compete with me and is glad that I’m giving up the macho act. My Heavenly Father has a beautiful, and magnificent future for the children and I and an amazing earthly father that will love them unconditionally and guide them!

As I write this, my thoughts go back to my teenage years and shows me exactly where my conditioning began. I felt that I had to prove myself then because I was just as eclectic then as I am now. I dressed different, listened to different music, loved different, I even ate different, yet I was made fun of and laughed at often, the butt of jokes and when my epilepsy started, I became the weak link and was sheltered in the house so that I would not be harmed. The loneliness got to me and I compromised…

…I feel like where I am now, is exactly where my Heavenly Father has placed me, to start right where I was before I compromised!

A Change In The Tide

It’s pretty quiet this morning because I’m the only one up,lol. Finally able to get back up and have some alone time to talk with my Heavenly Father, yet my mind wondered throughout prayer and study.

I found myself pondering over my actions last night and wondering if I made the right choice of not taking my son to a boys leadership summit . Of course after doing my weekly devotion for moms, I was reminded that I was never created to be self-sufficient but more so God-sufficient! Even when I get married, I still must be God-sufficient and not expect my husband to be Superman, husband, dad, provider, protector, and lead the family on his own. Yes, we each have our roles within the family but not expected to have all the answers and do everything right. LIFE IS A JOURNEY TO BE DISCOVERED!!!

Yes, God has given us gifts, talents, and powers to manage the purpose He has called us to, whether that be parenting, teaching, writing, consulting, entertainment, etc but only enough to go so far and still understand that we are not to walk this journey alone, to figure it out without Him. Many of us have become so conditioned to believe that unless you are working yourself to death, putting in the hours by yourself, you are nothing, you are weak, you really don’t care.

I let that condition go this morning. Yes, I have for children out of wedlock, yes their dad’s are MIA, yes I have to depend on my parents financially, but that doesn’t make me less of a mom. I made my mistakes, I’m living and raising my babies through the consequences of my actions, and at the same time learning that my Heavenly Father still loves me and has forgiven me while knowing that I still have a lot to learn! And the greatest thing is, that He still wants to help me and bless me with a husband because He knows that I am more than my mistakes and circumstances!

I will no longer expect myself to have all the answers, think that other humans can fix things or have the answers themselves and I will trust and know that I am a great mom because God allowed me to have my children with no problems with them or myself and still stirs the desire in me to have three more for my future husband! NO MORE BABY DADDIES, Lol!

You know, I noticed that the tide had changed for me and my children because lately I have been under a romantic “spell” and feelings of love, that have overflowed onto my children. I wake up excited to be a mom and have this deep desire to understand my babies when they act out! I don’t what to ridicule them and condemn them but love on them even more. Even when my children really act out and push my buttons and frustrate me by frustrating each other and I use my “angry voice”, after I take my 10 second breather I go back and apologize to my babies. I apologize not to win them over but because they are little fragile humans with feelings,who need love to grow and thrive. Just because I am their mom, does not give me the right to treat them any kind of way. My babies are such great and precious gifts and deserve to be loved and have a chance to live(tears).

As I write these words out, I cry a sigh of relief because no matter how imperfect I am or my children may be, we are still beautiful souls that enjoy each other’s company…because not to long ago, my first born hated coming home, my daughter constantly cried for her dad, and my middle son was suffering from separation anxiety because baby brother was now here and I was consumed by fear and running to everyone to get answers on how to deal with these things as a single mom.

The tide has surely changed and love has covered me and over-flowed,lol. I am so in love with being an imperfect mom!!!! (Deep sigh), as I climb out of bed to wake my princess up ever so gently because I want the boys to sleep a little longer…big big brother is out of school today and I would love to enjoy my Morning Thunder with the Maté, black tea before they start tearing up the house, lmbo. It’s going to be one totally awesome day!!!!

The Golden Goose

I heard about how you took that chance to go after something greater, you sold the family cow for some magic beans.

People called you crazy and despised you, but something in you told you to plant those beans, put in that work, tell your story.

And boy did you work, night and day you tilled that soil, nurtured those seeds of gift and talent, watching those beans turn into a giant stalk.

Though it wasn’t easy, you climbed to a great height, fighting crows off at every level, only to make it to the top and be met by the corporate giants that wanted to keep you chained to the way they setup the system…keep you has their little pet.

But mighty you are, wise and clever did you become growing up poor, questioning your childhood along the way. You are overjoyed to be answered with the day that would test you; everything you went through made you strong enough to slip through the grips of the giants.

You’ve made it so far, collected a surmount of coins…a great elevation to be at, but dangerous to dwell on. The pressure becomes too great and now your reality is smothering your dreams, and slowly you are dying.

You want to come down, you want to live out something new but your heart yearns for truth, something you can hold on to.

From a distance you see her, you hear her faint, tender call. Could it be what’s missing? Closer you come, doubt you feed, yet you are intrigued by the golden laced wings.

Oh, my how she glimmers, oh,my how she shines. Beautiful is her presentation, but is she real?

Your head says keep a distance, your heart says go at it with all your might, your oxygen level says times up. Feels like THAT dream manifesting into truth. In reality…for the first time you don’t know what to do. Could you really afford to take care of a golden goose?!

How long had she been here, how long has she been another’s and produced gold for them?

You move close enough to see the brass chain around her ankle, you move close enough to see her anguish and pain distort the fact that she is not a goose but indeed a swan…

…Swan in hand, joy in your heart, giant at your heels. Not knowing if you will be able to land on your feet, you dive off the cloud. Just when you let go and think that you will die a happy man having loved than not loved at all, she spreads her wings, grasp you tightly and you both glide safely to the ground.

But, the story has just begun…the giants won’t be made a fool and hungers to crush your soul.

So, once again you put your hands to work, you sharpen your axe and chop down the stalk to make room for others to plant, nurture, and grow their talents and gifts.

A great man you have evolved into and continue to become comfortable in. I see your greatness and honor your bravery, now allow me to help produce gold for you…my Jack of great trades.

-Swan

These Hands Do Only What They Know To Do

Heavenly Father, I know that you are here but I’m asking that you make your presence physically known

 

I know that you are faithful to your Word and Promises, but I’m asking that you make your presence physically known

 

2019 is approaching and I refuse to make it pass the countdown only to continue to walk in a circle and worry, I’m asking that you make your presence physically known

 

You don’t have to part the sky just yet, but give me that supernatural joy, grant me supernatural insight to begin walking the path you have laid out for me

 

You know I am a radical human being and I will jump head first into any new adventure, without calculating what it will cost to me or others

 

Heavenly Father, my circumstances are great and I’m trying to see above them, but you know these eyes will do only what they know to do

 

My God, I read your Word daily, I sing praises to you always, I am learning to worship you by the way I live but you know that discipline hasn’t set in yet and I often find myself doing only what I feel I know to do

 

Heavenly Father, I know that you have laid out a path for me, that you have given me everything I need to be successful on this journey, but I’m asking that you make your presence physically known

 

When you block an opportunity, when you allow me to experience rejection, when I feel like someone is trying to compete against me, MY GOD I’m asking that your Holy Spirit leap in me, take hold of my heart and my mind and give me that supernatural knowing that you are physically in it to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me a future, and allow me to live in the abundance of YOUR joy and peace

 

Heavenly Father, I desire to do your will and grow in doing what’s right, but you know these hands and feet do only what they know to do and I’m here…approaching 2019 still going in a circle…rebooting into default mode…doing the same old things and sabotaging the new things you are establishing for me…FATHER, I know that you are here, but I’m asking that you make your presence physically know…

 

…5…4…3…2…1…Oh how your grace is sufficient enough, how you cover my sins and make allowance for my mistakes and still bless me with the promises you have for me…to make your presence physically know!

 

Happy New Year

 

Loose Lips Sink Ships…

So close, yet so far…

I had a dream the other night, we were demigods in another world and our love burned with great passion like the sun. We danced in a field full of exotic fruit, and our laughter made flowers bloom, then suddenly you took hold of the sun and it turned cold. What once was bright orange and red, now reflected a stone white and tint of faded blue. You took off running, with the sun still grasped in your hand and me chasing after you, begging you to let go. With every step I took, you seemed light-years ahead of me…

There are times when my heart gets ahead of me and speaks for me, not to be careless but with “good intentions” tries to make me face my fears. She knows that my mind will reason things to death to the point of me taking no action, to the point of me being paralyzed, stuck. I love my heart because she is so bold and free but doesn’t realize that she too fears…fears not going anywhere. My heart sometimes gets jealous because my mind gets to travel wherever it desires, all the while, she(my heart) can only blindly feel the unknown experience…every joy or moment of peace is a surprise as well as every disappointment and heartache.

I can’t take the words back, I can’t take back the offense received, or the heartache felt, but I want to say sorry…

…so, as silence forms around me, my heart builds up its walls, and my mind aimlessly wonders, I shrink down to a mortal form and blend in. I take this defeat and shamefully go down with the ship.

 

The Blind Leading The Blind…Lord Help Us!

It would all be so simple to report that things are great and amazing here in Ooltewah. Don’t get me wrong, when I look around, they are, but when I look inside, when I take those often trips to my thoughts and make occasional stops and chat with my emotions, I am really feeling the pressures of being human.

Lately, my oldest son has been debating me about my “constructive criticism” and discipline towards him. It seems that every time I say something to him about his attitude or if I tell him to do something, or not to do something, he gets HIGHLY offended and automatically thinks that he is in trouble and that I am mad at him! Of course, I was surprised by it because I affirm my son every chance I can and often when I see him get on himself about losing at a game, I try my best to congratulate him when he scores on his game or lets me know that he remembered to turn in his work…on time at school, lol. How could my son possibly think that I am ALWAYS mad at him when I am simply just giving instructions or making an observation and then providing a solution?!

This has bothered me a lot because I seek to connect with people and one of my greatest flaws is that I want to be understood all the time…by everyone. I struggle with keeping quiet after discovering a new level of thinking that I have now obtained or observing something and wanting to explain it. I sometimes get so caught up in how things look on the outside and want to compensate or explain my situation so people will respect me. So, when my son explained to me that he feels like I am always on his case, it tore me apart.

As always(well for the past two years), I run to God and ask Him what’s going on, because I have been down that road of asking others and receiving every answer relating to their experience and not receiving true insight to what God is showing me. I was already frustrated, overwhelmed, and feeling horrible and didn’t want anyone else to add to my crazy emotions or try to pacify them. Lately, I have been really paying attention to my children because I believe that our children are a direct reflection of who we are, the outside environment, like drugs and alcohol only intensifies what has already been conditioned in them since birth. When my children are acting out, I immediately look within and see what I am doing that reflects my babies’ actions.

So far, what I am hearing from God is that I need to stop thinking that when I experience rejection, when He closes a door, when He says not now, when things don’t go as I had expected, doesn’t mean that I have done anything wrong! Sometimes things happen a certain way to just simply build me and make me stronger for the next step of life. While I am sitting here wondering why my son would think that, God was wondering why I would take His “no” as punishment! God knows that I love my children and I am very protective about them and that I focus so much on being a great mom, that He will sometimes speak through my children to get my attention about my actions!

I really don’t like that God does that, lol but I love that God cares and loves me enough to go over and beyond to get me back on track and focused on the right things. God knows that I will over analyze, reason things to death, second-guess myself, and at one point would self-sabotage. This moment in my life was very rewarding to see and experience and has opened my eyes to the next flaw I am working on…verbalizing incomplete thoughts!

Lost In My Emotions

It’s been a while since I’ve written and published anything because I have found myself in a state of confusion. Not that I do not know what I want to do next but that I have made a commitment and at first glance, felt great joy to switch gears to now feeling overwhelmed and out of place…

 

After I realized that the children and I were not moving to California just yet, I can say that I was sad but not disappointed because I know that God would not give me the desire to move there and then change His mind. Of course, after I sat and meditated on things and traced my steps backward, it was I that set the date for the move, not God…and I set that date out of fear. To move in fear has been the biggest mistake that I have often seen myself do when tracing my step back throughout my life, and to see it again, after I thought that I had enough wisdom to not do it this time around, has me wondering about things. I am so happy that no big changes were permanently made or that my children and I were caught up in a daunting lifestyle of extreme poverty and homelessness, still, I feel sadness.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a big relief to get an understanding that I won’t have to “hustle” my way to success, that God already has the path laid out. All I need to do is humble myself, continue practicing on my sewing and writing, use the opportunities right in front of me, WITHIN MY HOME to help me become strategically grounded in my gifts and talents, and be still long enough to receive insight on the best connects and business deals. There is no longer a struggle to decide if another family Saturday Spa day has to be skipped to get caught up on sewing or writing or a video upload. My babies come first and because I know my Heavenly Father has everything set, I don’t have to worry or strain. It feels so weird to lose the grip on pursuing my career that I had envisioned!

 

I saw myself as a successful, independent mother of four, traveling the world, homeschooling my children, doing book signings, making house calls to design a couture gown or style a wardrobe for my private clients, all the while finally running into the man that I would soon marry. I saw myself put together, my children well off, and my soon to be husband watching from a distance see me hustling and being amazed at the fact that I can handle my own…I saw myself as my own hero, not a 32 years old, stay-at-home mom, dressed mostly in sweats and tights and hair in a bun or tied up afro. I’ve learned that half the things I had envisioned were rooted in fear and developed and produced tragedy. When I was a teen, I told myself that I would party in my 20’s and have fun in school, get married in my 30’s while finally settling into my career, then began to have children. I saw myself working my clothing business from home, with 12 boys on an Alabama farm and my husband,(whose name was Bobby Ray and white…hehehehe) would work his business from home as well and take occasional business trips, giving us time to miss each other…yes I do have a very vivid imagination!

 

Well, I partied in my late teens all the way into my 20’s and ended up having three children while struggling to decide if the abusive relationships were worth the pain over the fear of being alone and not having anyone to help raise my children or support me in my dreams. Of course I conditioned myself to be tough and be willing to take on any challenge, but when I looked over at my babies and saw that they had not even begun to experience their lives, I had no choice but to face fears of loneliness, shame, guilt, and humble myself before my God and my parents so that my babies could have a chance to live in peace and joy. Yet, I was determined to defy odds and say that I can become a successful single mom of four, get off government assistance by working from the ground up. I know how to market, how to network, how to do business, still something in me didn’t feel right with every chance I took for my business. The late hours, the early mornings, the constant strain of trying to find a way to make things happen and make money, just didn’t feel right and I felt out of place when I would come across a business guru and tried to follow their advice.

 

I have finally surrendered the pressure of competing against the world and finding myself trying to adjust to the new lifestyle of lego building, Mario Kart, reading four and five books, and sometimes spending half the day washing and cleaning and cooking and walking back and forth and on special occasions…running to see who has called mummy for the 15th time,lol.

 

I love this new adventure, yet I am feeling sad because I have been conditioned to think that because I am a single mom, I need to be working a regular job, I need to be actively trying to find a husband or my children will grow up damaged, mentally ill! To be honest, fighting my mind, my emotions, my imaginations is by far the toughest challenge thus far. There are days when I want to tap out and complain, go hide in my closet and cry, update my resume, until one of my babies comes and needs the help that involves me using my creative gifts and/or talents. I look around and I see that all our needs are met and sometimes our wants are gifted in opportunities…in acts of faith.

 

I am learning that this experience I am having, is supposed to happen. I am supposed to feel some sadness, feel some bewilderment, feel some type of way because I am a human “being”. Not every day comes with happiness but a range of emotions and thoughts and if you are able to see beyond those emotions and thoughts that are not pleasing up front, and have an understanding that we as humans are supposed to feel sad, mad, angry, depressed, lonely at times and not happy ALL the time…you will begin to cultivate true joy and peace.

 

I end this note with prayers and blessing that you dear reader have found joy and peace in reading this.

 

Detour…Under Construction.

My bags are packed, half the house stuff is boxed up, telling family and friends of the specific date of our move, and believing it with great faith that my babies and I were off to a new life in California. I arose to the date of our move only to be met with a disappointing silence from my Heavenly Father and a sinking feeling in my heart, knowing that the children and I were going nowhere. No one sabotaged MY plans, I didn’t do anything wrong to block the blessing, it was that I just simply miss calculated the time of the move.

See, there is nothing wrong with moving to another state, there is nothing wrong with starting over, there is nothing…wrong…with…seeking a new adventure and wanting to reach higher levels of achievement! However, when you are a child of God, sometimes YOUR plans go against the awesome gifts He has waiting for you on the other path and for me…I have found myself turning at the detour of a dream that I have written out of context.

I want to cry, I want to complain, and I keep going over things in my head about the fact that I could be so crazy to miscalculate what God was speaking to me. I want to feel ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, but all I can do is laugh at myself and be proud that I could have such crazy faith to step out and want to do something new.

So how do I know that I am on the wrong path…although I told myself that I was moving forward and running toward my destiny and my purpose, deep down there was fear that I would die here in Ooltewah, Tn? I was so ready to move at any cost to ensure that my dreams were fulfilled and that my babies, my children would get an opportunity to explore and be exposed to even greater things in life than just traveling two or three hours away for a school field trip or family gathering. I want to travel this world with my children, homeschool them and we ALL learn something new! I want us to be that family “to say I lived” ( that short quote is from the song I Lived by OneRepublic…one of the great bands that I loved listening to in my late teens and ALL of the twenties, lol). I am on a journey facing fears head on and I recently learned in the sermon series, “Stride” by Pastor Mike Todd that God doesn’t want us to run to or from anything! So, here I was running toward a plan and away from fear!

I have decided to unpack, put things back in place and continue to work on my fashion designs and writing and dig deep into being the best daughter, mother, sister, the friend I was created to be! I believe that what God has for me, He will give to me in time. I believe that God can, and will, and DOES bless his children wherever they are because…that’s the power of his miraculous love!!!